Story1

MIRACLE was born on July 23, 2003 into the arms of the angels. She weighed 1lb 6oz and was 13 inches long. Her gestational age was 23 weeks 4 days. She had long fingers on little hands and tiny little narrow feet. Her hair and eyebrows were jet black. She would have had her Mommy's eyes for certain.

THIS IS MY STORY
MY SWEET LITTLE ANGEL MIRACLE

I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT IN FEBRUARY OF 2003. I WAS TWENTY-FIVE AND NOT IN WHAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD DEEM AN “IDEAL RELATIONSHIP.” I NATURALLY HAD MIXED EMOTIONS. I BATTLED BACK AND FORTH WITH MYSELF ABOUT WHAT I SHOULD DO. MOSTLY BECAUSE THE BABY’S FATHER WAS NOT TOO ENTHUSED ABOUT HAVING A BABY. AT FIRST HE TOLD ME WHATEVER I WANTED TO DO HE WOULD STAND BY ME. THEN IT WAS, WELL IT IS REALLY NOT A GOOD TIME FOR EITHER ONE OF US TO BRING A NEW BABY INTO THE WORLD. SO, I MADE AN APPOINTMENT TO HAVE AN ABORTION. I HAD NIGHTMARES ABOUT MY DECISION EVERY NIGHT AND I THOUGHT OF THEM EVERYDAY. I WOULD DREAM OF A BABY CALLING ME “MOMMY” AS IT REACHED FOR ME WITH ITS TINY LITTLE HAND. THE DAY TO GO TO THE CLINIC WAS APPROACHING QUICKLY. ALL I DID WAS CRY. I HAD BEEN CRYING FOR SEVERAL MONTHS BY NOW; AS I HAD WAITED ALMOST UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO MAKE THIS APPOINTMENT.
I WAS SO STRESSED. I HAD ALREADY HAD TWO INCIDENTS WHERE I WAS BLEEDING WHICH WERE PROBABLY BOTH STRESS RELATED. THEN CAME THE THIRD AND SCARIEST OF ALL. I STARTED TO BLEED ONE DAY WHEN I WENT TO THE BATHROOM. ALL OF A SUDDEN I FELT THIS HUGE RELEASE. I HEARD SOMETHING DROP INTO THE TOILET. IT SCARED ME TO DEATH WHEN I LOOKED INTO THE TOILET AND IT WAS FULL OF BRIGHT RED BLOOD. I IMMEDIATELY CALLED THE DOCTOR AND WAS TOLD TO REST AND PUT MY FEET UP BUT IF IT GOT ANY WORSE TO MAKE A JUDGMENT CALL OF MY OWN ABOUT GOING TO THE HOSPITAL. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. I HAD GONE TO THE BATHROOM ABOUT 4 MORE TIMES AND THE SAME THING HAD HAPPENED. I COLLECTED SOME OF THE TISSUE FROM THE TOILET, I READ THAT YOU SHOULD BRING IT WITH YOU IF POSSIBLE WHEN THIS OCCURS, AND I WAS OFF TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. I DROVE MYSELF BECAUSE I WAS NOT ABLE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THE FATHER, MY MOTHER HAD NOT YET RETURNED HOME EVEN THOUGH I HAD CALLED HER, AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO WAS WITH ME AT THE TIME WAS MY FRIEND, JOY, WHO HAS CEREBRAL PALSY AND SHE DOES NOT DRIVE.
I CHOSE THE CLOSEST HOSPITAL SINCE I DROVE MYSELF AND IT WAS THE HOSPITAL VISIT FROM YOU KNOW WHERE. THE DOCTORS AND NURSES WERE RUDE AND UNCARING. THE HOSPITAL WAS NOT EQUIPPED FOR THIS KIND OF CRISIS. I HAD NO IDEA THAT THERE ARE HOSPITALS THAT ARE NOT PREPARED TO DEAL WITH PREGNANT WOMEN. I HAD TO HAVE A HORRIBLE PELVIC EXAM ON A BEDPAN. THE DOCTOR DID NOT EXPLAIN WHAT HE WAS DOING SO I WAS VERY TENSE. NOT TO MENTION I WAS PETRIFIED. I THINK I WAS HOLDING MY BREATH. IT HURT SO MUCH THAT WHEN THE DOCTOR EXTRACTED HIS HAND, I LET OUT A QUICK BREATH AND BURST INTO HYSTERICAL TEARS. I WAS AMAZED WHEN ONE OF THE NURSES ASKED ME WHY I WAS CRYING. I WAS SO CHOKED UP I COULD NOT EVEN ANSWER HER.

NEXT I WAS WHEELED TO THE ULTRASOUND ROOM WITH A TECHNICIAN WHO SEEMED TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME ASKING HER QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT SHE WAS DOING TO MY BODY. I WAS ONLY 10 WEEKS AND 4 DAYS PREGNANT. I KNEW FROM READING AND MY ULTRASOUND THE PREVIOUS WEEK THAT A TRANSVAGINAL, SOMETIMES CALLED INTRAVAGINAL ULTRASOUND IS THE BEST WAY TO SEE THE BABY THIS EARLY. THIS IS WHEN A CAMERA IS INSERTED VAGINALLY TO SEE THE BABY INSTEAD OF THE TRANSABDOMINAL USUALLY SEEN ON TV WHERE THE GEL IS RUBBED ON THE BELLY. PLUS, I HAD NOT BEEN GIVEN ANY FLUID TO ENSURE THAT I HAD A FULL BLADDER FOR A TRANSABDOMINAL ULTRASOUND. SO NATURALLY I QUESTIONED ALL OF THIS WHEN THE TECHNICIAN BEGAN. I GUESS SHE WAS USED TO UNEDUCATED PEOPLE AND WAS ANNOYED BY MY QUESTIONS.
ANYWAY, EVEN THOUGH THE TECHNICIAN DID NOT SAY A WORD I COULD SEE MY BABY MOVING ON THE SCREEN, SEEMINGLY VERY HAPPY IN THERE. THE HEART RATE WAS RAPIDLY BEATING AT 150 BEATS PER MINUTE, WHICH IS RIGHT ON POINT. THE BABY WAS JUST FINE. SO, WHAT WAS GOING ON? NO ONE KNEW WHAT HAD HAPPENED. THE ONLY ANSWER MY DOCTOR COULD GIVE WHEN I SAW HER THE FOLLOWING MONDAY WAS THAT THE TISSUE MUST HAVE BEEN OLD AND NEEDED TO BE EXCRETED IN ORDER FOR THERE TO BE ROOM TO ALLOW THE BABY TO GROW. I HATED NOT HAVING AN ANSWER BUT I WAS GLAD MY BABY WAS ALL RIGHT.
I REALIZED THAT THOSE TEARS I HAD BEEN SHEDDING THOSE MONTHS BEFORE WERE BECAUSE I WAS PUTTING SOMEONE ELSE’S HAPPINESS BEFORE MY OWN. I WANTED THIS BABY. I HAD BEEN AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT BECAUSE THE FATHER DID NOT SHARE THE SAME FEELINGS. BUT MY BABY WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN HE WAS. SO, I MADE A DECISION THAT STILL IS NOT UNDERSTOOD OR SUPPORTED BY MANY PEOPLE WHOM I LOVE. MY BABY WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MYSELF OR ANYTHING OR ANYONE ELSE, EVEN LIFE ITSELF.
SO, I MADE THE DECISION TO BECOME A SINGLE MOM. ALL OF A SUDDEN I FELT FREE. FREE TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS LITTLE LIFE GROWING INSIDE OF ME. THE TEARS MAGICALLY CEASED. I BEGAN TO SHOW MY EXCITEMENT EVERYDAY. I BROUGHT A BOOK TO READ TO MY BABY IN UTERO, A PREGNANCY JOURNAL, AND A MOMMY JOURNAL WHERE I COULD WRITE LETTERS TO MY BABY. I WAS ABLE TO FOLLOW WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH MY BABY AND MYSELF ON A DAILY BASIS BY READING BOOKS AND WRITING IN MY JOURNALS. I THINK I WAS IN THE MOTHERHOOD MATERNITY STORE AT LEAST ONCE EVERY WEEK. AND I ALWAYS HAD A MILLION QUESTIONS TO ASK. I WAS FINDING SUPPORT ORGANIZATIONS FOR SINGLE PARENTS. I WAS EVEN LOOKING FOR ANOTHER SINGLE MOM TO SHARE A HOME WITH THROUGH AN ORGANIZATION I FOUND ON-LINE. I WAS MAKING PLANS FOR OUR FUTURE TOGETHER. JUST MY BABY AND ME. AND THAT WAS MORE THAN ALL RIGHT BY ME.
I DID A LOT OF PRAYING FOR MY BABY. I PRAYED BEFORE I ATE AND DRANK DAILY. ALWAYS MAKING SURE I ATE HEALTHY (ONCE I GOT PASSED THE EXTENDED MORNING (ALL DAY) SICKNESS THAT LASTED WELL PAST MY FIRST TRIMESTER). SLEEP WAS ALREADY GETTING HARD AND I PRAYED THAT GOD WOULD ALLOW ME TO SLEEP ENOUGH TO KEEP MY BODY FUNCTIONING ENOUGH TO KEEP MY BABY OUT OF HARM’S WAY. I WOULD WORRY ABOUT MY OWN LACK OF SLEEP SOME OTHER TIME. I EVEN MADE SURE THAT WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ATE WITH ME THAT THEY PRAYED FOR MY BABY AS WELL. I AM SURE PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS A BIT OVERBOARD SOMETIMES, BUT I HAD A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF ME AND I NEEDED ALL OF THE PRAYER I COULD GET.
I DID NOT HAVE MUCH SUPPORT BUT I DIDN’T LET THAT SPOIL MY JOY. MY MOTHER WAS FINDING IT HARD TO BE HAPPY FOR ME. SHE COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY I WAS SO HAPPY. AND SHE CONFESSED THAT SHE WAS NOT READY TO BE A GRANDMOTHER. MY GRANDMOTHER THOUGHT MY FIRST DECISION WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST CHOICE BECAUSE MY LIFE WOULD BE HARD. I KNEW THAT BUT THE EXCITEMENT OF MY BABY COMING MADE ME FEEL LIKE I COULD DO ANYTHING. MY GRANDFATHER WAS VERY EXCITED, AS WERE MY TWO YOUNGER SIBLINGS. ALL MY GRANDFATHER TALKED ABOUT WAS WHEN THE BABY ARRIVED THAT WE HAD TO TAKE A 5 GENERATION PICTURE WITH HIS MOTHER, WHO IS MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER, MY MOTHER, HIM, THE BABY, AND MYSELF. MY SIBLINGS WERE OVERJOYED AT THE IDEA OF HAVING A NIECE OR A NEPHEW. MY SISTER WOULD WAIT ON ME HAND AND FOOT EVERYDAY. BOTH MY BROTHER AND SISTER WERE ALWAYS CHECKING ON ME AND TELLING ME THE THINGS THEY WERE GOING TO DO WITH THE BABY. MOST OF MY FRIENDS WERE IN TOTAL SUPPORT OF ME THE ENTIRE TIME. I LOVE THEM DEARLY FOR THAT. IF IT WEREN’T FOR SOME OF THEM I WOULD HAVE NEVER MADE IT THROUGH SOME DAYS. I WILL ALWAYS BE THANKFUL FOR THOSE SHOULDERS THAT WERE ALWAYS AVAILABLE FOR ME TO CRY ON AS NEEDED OR TO REMIND ME OF THE JOY THIS BABY WOULD BRING UPON ARRIVAL ON THOSE DAYS I WAS WORRIED ABOUT WHAT WAS TO COME. I HAD ALSO DECIDED THAT EVEN THOUGH MY FATHER AND I HAD NOT EVER BEEN CLOSE, I WAS GOING TO ESTABLISH A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM BECAUSE I WANTED MY BABY TO KNOW ITS GRANDFATHER. MY DAD WAS HAPPY. I REMEMBER HE SAID “MY BABY’S GONNA HAVE A BABY.” HE RUBBED MY ALREADY ROUND BELLY AND WAS HOPING FOR A LITTLE GIRL. THAT WAS SUCH A WARM FEELING. HE HAD ALREADY BEGUN TO REFER TO THE BABY HIS GRANDDAUGHTER.
THE FIRST TIME I FELT MY BABY MOVE WAS ON JUNE 6, 2003. I WAS BUSY AT WORK. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS AT FIRST. THEN IT HAPPENED A SECOND TIME. THERE ARE NO WORDS TO EXPLAIN HOW OVERJOYED I WAS TO FEEL THOSE LITTLE FLUTTERS. IT WAS LIKE A REAL CONFIRMATION THAT LIFE WAS INSIDE OF MY WOMB. I WROTE A LETTER TO MY BABY LATER THAT DAY BECAUSE THAT WAS SOMETHING I NEVER WANTED TO FORGET. I HAD ALREADY BEGUN TO SHOW AND WAS TAKING PICTURES TO COMPARE THE SIZE OF MY BELLY EACH MONTH. I WANTED TO HAVE AS MANY MEMORIES AS POSSIBLE FOR THE SCRAPBOOK I PLANNED TO MAKE. I WAS SO PROUD OF MY GROWING BELLY. ON JUNE 13, I FINALLY MADE THE DECISION TO KEEP THE SEX OF THE BABY A SECRET. I HAD GONE BACK AND FORTH ABOUT FINDING OUT. AT TIMES THE SUSPENSE WOULD KILL ME.
ON JUNE 23, 2003 I WENT TO HAVE MY THIRD ULTRASOUND. THIS ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY FIRST. THE BABY WAS DUE ON NOVEMBER 17, 2003. I SAW IT MOVING AROUND AND EVEN SUCKING ITS THUMB. WHAT AN ACTIVE LITTLE PERSON I HAD IN THERE. I KNOW I WAS GLOWING WHEN I WALKED OUT OF THAT OFFICE. I FELT SO GOOD EVEN THOUGH I WAS AS BIG AS A HOUSE ALREADY. IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO ROLL TO MY SIDE WHEN THE TECHNICIAN ASKED. IT WAS LIKE I WAS STUCK. PEOPLE WONDERED IF I WAS HAVING TWINS! THE ULTRASOUND PICTURES I GOT THAT DAY WERE REAL PICTURES, NOT THE FLIMSY PAPER THAT EVENTUALLY FADES THE IMAGE. EVERYONE WAS AMAZED WHEN I SHOWED THEM. THEY SHOWED A VERY CLEAR IMAGE OF MY PERFECT LITTLE BABY WHO I WAS GETTING ANXIOUS TO MEET.
MY HAPPINESS WAS INTERRUPTED ONCE AGAIN WHEN MY DOCTOR CALLED ME AT WORK ON JULY 1ST TO TELL ME THAT I NEEDED TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT AT MERCY HOSPITAL’S HIGH RISK PREGNANCY CENTER TO SEE A GENETIC COUNSELOR. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THAT WAS BUT I KNEW IT WAS NOT GOOD. NATURALLY, I PANICKED. APPARENTLY WHEN I HAD MY ULTRASOUND THERE WERE TWO SMALL WHITE SPOTS ON THE BABY’S HEART WHICH DOCTORS CALL SOFT MARKERS. SOFT MARKERS ARE SOMETIMES INDICATORS OF CHROMOSOMAL DEFECTS SUCH AS DOWNS SYNDROME. I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT MY LITTLE LOVE. I MADE A TEARFUL CALL TO MERCY TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT. THE RECEPTIONIST TRIED TO EASE MY FEARS BY TELLING ME THAT SHE SEES PEOPLE LIKE ME OFTEN AND IT USUALLY TURNS OUT TO BE NOTHING. I WAS NOT PUT AT EASE THAT DAY, BUT SOMETIME BETWEEN THAT DAY AND THE DAY OF MY APPOINTMENT I STOPPED WORRYING. I HAD TO WAIT A WEEK BEFORE I COULD BE SEEN. I HAD A SPECIAL PRAYER THAT YOU SAY FOR YOUR UNBORN CHILD FROM A BOOK I’D BOUGHT. I READ IT OFTEN. I DECIDED THAT IF MY BABY HAD DOWNS SYNDROME, I WOULD NOT LOVE HIM OR HER ANY LESS THAN I ALREADY DID.(cont.)